Promise

As my thesis gets closer, I am suffering from one (or more) of the fluctuations, distractions and afflictions of the mind as described in the yoga sutras. The sutras of Patanjali have an interesting insight on the ego. Egoism is the identification of the seer with the power of seeing. What this means is that when I feel angry, frustrated,  exhausted, or confused these temporary emotional responses are translated as 'I am angry, I am confused, I am exhausted' which only builds on the stress and panic to the situation or moment at hand.  It is very difficult to juggle all the coming events - job search, residency applications, thesis paper, and preparations for the exhibition.  It is easy to fall into ownership of these emotional responses. But that are only temporal responses to stress, mental exhaustion, uncertainty and excitement about all the coming events and changes in my life.  To trust in the work I have done, the intention that has come from my heart and then exhale and release the worry and insecurity of whether it is enough, is much easier said than done.  When is anything ever enough? We always think of ways there could be more improvement.

Breathing and walking are key for me. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, and simply continue stepping in the direction of the goals I have set for myself.  Nothing is permanent. Everything is done one step at a time. You can only go at your own pace and that is where you are supposed to be.

Some of my friends wonder, since I came home from India, why do I always wear this noisy set of silver anklets? They have small beads on them that ring like little bells with each step I that I make. I'll let those of you who read this in on my little secret. I made a promise to myself while I was in India. As you probably know, the promises we make to ourselves are often the most difficult to keep. Oftentimes when things get rough, when my emotions get the best of me and I feel like giving up, it is through the sound of these bells I hear that promise that I made to myself. I am brought back to India and the dream and promise I made for my life.  My irrational mind and emotions quiet and I focus on this small sound that accompanies the rhythm of my steps and my breath,
and I just keep moving forward.